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74 Responses to “Overwhelming Response to Threads on Relationship Losers”

  1. 51

    Dear Bill: No Contact is the only strategy that works. Your situation brought up a good point however. The $250.00 is a good example of a “loser ticket”. Losers will purposefully keep your property, owe you money, use an old promise, etc. as a way of recontacting their victims. It’s their ticket to the reconnection, an excuse to call or email. It goes something like this “I know you don’t want to talk to me (guilt use), but I found your CD (emotional memory). I can drop it off if you’d like.” The approach is often nonthreatenting and from that point it’s small talk – then pressure to meet. An old promise can be used as a Loser Ticket as well – “I know we never made it to the beach, but I ran across this bargain deal I thought you might be interested in.” In each use of the Loser Ticket, the Abuser is fishing – tossing out a bait to see if you will bite, talk, chat, or be friendly. I had a psychopath tell me once that “If I can get small talk out of someone, I can get something else out of them!”

    Losers and abusers will derail your train if given the slightest opportunity. As Sally recommends, keep yourself at full speed as you distance yourself from the Loser/Abuser. Don’t look back and don’t stop to chat. Dr. Carver

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    kristina
    52

    Dr. Carver: Based on your last comment to Bill, it’s amazing how predictable these “losers” are – mine owes me about $1200.00 and even though he makes good money, I’ve never seen it. Plus old promises like contacting me after weeks of the silent treatment about a trip to the west coast we were supposed to take together, and then there’s the limo for my birthday that he promised, but never came to be, UNTIL he showed up at my house drunk as a skunk wanting to talk after it was TOO late. I”m convinced they all come from the same mold! NO bait taken as there is NO looking back, only forward!

  3. 53

    Hi Kristina: Detaching from a Loser/Abuser usually requires an “exit plan”. When living together or after a long relationship, part of the exit plan is to eliminate things that might be used as a “Loser Ticket”. The Loser/Abuser only cares about what they can use to control, hurt, or manipulate you. For this reason, during the pre-exit phase gradually remove items you personally value – pictures, keepsakes, gifts from your family, etc. I’ve had several clients slowly replace their valued nicknacks with items from a yard sale (the Loser didn’t notice it!). The Loser will often hold clothing, picture albums, and valued possessions hostage if you leave.

    In rural America, it was once a tradition to leave a spoon at a home you were visiting. If they were great hosts, you could always invite them or invite yourself to another visit using the spoon as an excuse. That’s why you see a lot of spoons at tourist sites. The Loser works the same way. They’ll hold your belongings and demand a dinner, meeting, etc. before they’re released. They use the items as an excuse to call or email. They’ll also call with “I don’t want this picture of us. If you want it, I’ll bring it to you. If not, I’m going to burn it.”

    If you’re on an Exit Plan, gradually move things out. “Sell” your camera to your sister. Once you hop on the Exit Train, leave with the idea that everything left must stay behind…forever. In the long run, money, a laptop, and the types of things they steal or hold hostage is a small price to pay for being healthy and free again. Dr. Carver

  4. avatar image
    Skyla
    54

    Dr Carver, I have been following your advice and the advice of my pyschologist exactly. The week just gone however was like being thrown back into hell. As I have previously said I have a child to my ex and he has a daughter from a previous relationship. So my son and his daughter are obviously siblings. His daughter was up on holidays visiting, so I stuck around to suppervise visitations (on foot) because my ex is not trustworthy with even 1 child.

    I managed to successfully ignore him all week and we were all happy, until he seemed to be missing his self created drama. His daughter was upset over an animal and wanted to help it, so I suggested we take it to an animal shelter. The kids were very concerned and were openly expressing it. The ex however couldn’t care less and became very angry with the situation and ended up abusing us. He made the kids cry, he sulked and the kids apologised to HIM for HIS behaviour!. I said to them we did nothing wrong and that there is nothing wrong with caring about an animal.

    Did he feel the need to create drama because things were going so well and smoothly?.

    This came out of know where and hit us all pretty badly. His daughter went home upset 2 days later, my child has been hitting me and acting out and I feel like I have been through hell again.

    Dr Carver, do you have any advice on how I can avoid such a situation with the kids in future?. How can they be themselves around him with out being in fear?, or is it impossible?.

    Can sociopaths actually love other people?.

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    bill smith
    55

    For Skyla,
    I am convinced that sociopaths and other personality disordered individuals may actually think that they love others….They actually think that it is everyone else’s fault and accept zero responsibility for anything. The individual of whom I dated for 6 months could not even say the word love. They don’t feel anything except anger. She would write the word “love” during the initial phase…then it stopped… and the hell started. I work in the mental health field and didn’t recognize the covert dishonesty and manipulation until I was into the relationship for several months. Today, was “the ending” and now is follow-up protection….what that means for me is absolutely no contact in any form…ever again with “the Loser”. While I am sure that each situation varies to some degree in terms of responses during each stage. I can assure you that Dr. Carver is an expert on this. I have colleagues who are psychologists who knew something was wrong with the individual I mentioned…All did not know the severity and extent of pathology in this case. So…I will formally thank Dr. Carver now for his brilliant insight and suggestions….and will give back what was freely given to me by helping others in my practice who are in relationship with a “Loser”.

  6. avatar image
    Lori
    56

    Wow, I am VERY GLAD that I found this helpful website. I have a similar situation to Mack’s, where the loser in my life disappears/blows me off for weeks at a time, then reappears as if nothing happened. It’s coming up on a month now since our last encounter, a very nice night sleeping together. In the morning when we parted, he seemed annoyed that I was dressed and ready to leave, since I had early appointments. The next day he ignored my text messages. Two days later, he again ignored my text messages. He has not contacted me since and I have not bothered because I don’t want to “give in.”

    Although I believe he is doing me such a HUGE favor by not contacting me, I still get tinges of sadness…as if I am missing out on “something special” that never existed in the first place. When those moments come on, it’s hard not to feel depressed and distracted.

    Bu why??? This particular loser exhibits sexual aggression, similar to JJ’s loser. He is extremely fearful of a woman abandoning him. He told me outright that he will not get emotionally involved with me, yet acts emotionally lost and dependent. He is completely self-absorbed and moody. He shares too many details about prior relationships and makes constant comparisons to the beautiful women who preceded me.

    My problem is I KNEW he was a loser before getting involved. (Prior to sleeping together, we’ve had many dialogues where things on his end seemed bizarre. His views on past relationships just didn’t match what was happening. He attracts many women who like to sleep with him then run away from anything deeper.) He also collects inappropriate imagery, such as books on death and wars, and Nazi emblems, chalking it up to a love for military history. Many people find it offensive, many others simply don’t care.

    Personally I am disgusted with myself for wanting to be this dude in the first place. THAT is what bothers me, because logically I have always seen he is a loser. There is perhaps a small part of him that draws me in, that I consider charming and alluring. And the physical attraction is so strong. But the part that draws me in usually vanishes and is replaced by endless stories / monologues and embellished tales. He changes his mind repeatedly. He has texted me drunk, begging for me to come by, then doesn’t remember.

    I don’t even know if he has found a job yet, being unemployed again. He is in his mid-forties yet acts like a frat house. Goes on 17-hour drinking binges and debauchery five nights out of seven.

    My other problem is also with ME. I have always considered myself a strong person, with a strong sense of self worth. With him, I have let my self esteem start to crumble, as if I didn’t live up to all the beautiful predecessors. I started to doubt my own attractiveness for no discernible reason. Because he does not fawn all over me the way he would with other females, because he does not respond to messages unless he personally feels like it, makes me doubt myself.

    After reading all of these helpful posts and Dr. Carver’s astute advice, I feel slightly less insane. I apologize for the length of my post, it’s been welling up inside me since November.

  7. avatar image
    bill smith
    57

    For Lori,
    I have officially ended my 6 month relationship with a loser. I have a high sense of self-esteem and am a school psychologist and clinical counselor. Lori..None of that mattered. It is not you, you are NOT the problem. I knew that it wasn’t me but I still stayed in the relationship because of the novelty, the sex, and wanting to “help” the person seek therapy. The Loser used emotional and psychological manipulation. I took Dr. Carver’s advice ..Absolutely no contact ever again. Done. Dr. Carver is an expert. The techniques and strategies listed on this website work. it is important to follow them to the letter.

  8. 58

    […] from normal people who have used, abused, and manipulated by people like your ex (for example, see here and here). As I warn in the beginning of my Loser article, a relationship with this type of […]

  9. 59

    Dear Lori: As you can tell from these discussions, you are not alone. Losers chip away at your self-image (attractiveness), self-esteem, and self-confidence. Sadly, to maximize their influence, they exaggerate their stories and lies to use them against you. You’ll only hear their side of every relationship they’ve had. As I mention in the Loser article on this website, their purpose is to destroy your self-esteem to the point that you are easier to victimize and treat badly.

    This is his lifestyle and his personality. While he may whine, act dependent, plead, and engage in all types of theatrics – he will always treat you the same way.

    When you describe that “something special”, you’ve identified a major issue in Losers. In the early stages, the honeymoon phase, the relationship looks very much like it will be that something special. For that reason, as a normal person, we develop fantasies about how the romance will progress, grow, and eventually become a wonderful, happy life. The Loser begins to destroy those fantasies – then blames you for their destruction. It’s always your fault they are abusive, neglectful, or cruel. Your dream and fantasies begin to collapse. It’s like buying your dream house, moving in, and finding the foundation was built on quicksand.

    People can recover from these experiences and return to a normal, healthy life. I’d also recommend reading my article on Love and Stockholm Syndrome. It discusses the investments we often have in bad relationships. Dr. Carver

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    Skyla
    60

    Dr Carver, i’m not sure if you saw my post above. Are you able to offer any advice on how to deal with my ex when the kids are on visitation and at times I need to tag along?.

    Thanks

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