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218 Responses to “More on Relationship Losers, Abusers, Manipulators and Controllers”

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    HI RMB,
    Is somewhat amazing to hear what you say. Is true we expect violence be only physiscal, is when finally the authorities do something. Yet is interesting hear what you said, you are frightened. I felt the same way, and is true he got his way by changing his moods. Even in the “Happy” moments weren’t that happy, I was unable to control what will bring the monster back. I was unhappy and scared, and unable to see it. You’ve done a huge step, you can tell you’re frightened, if someone would have asked me a couple of months ago I would have denied it.
    Abuse is something complex and simple, in my case abuse was so common in my life, that I “liked” it was my confort zone, my fhater is just like that, more mild with the years. But I learned to survive, when my husband did it to me. What just the way it was. Thanks to therapy, I was able to admit, I was unhappy.
    I miss the guy, and I’m divorcing. And I can relate how you feel, althougth he had hurted me, it took me lot of courage to file the restraining order. I was scared to death to hurt me. But the victims advocate, made me aware I had to take of myself, all my life I had been so busy of taking care of other, even my own abuser. Fear used to rule my life, now love is entering and I realize as much I love my husband at this moment as my heart breaks I’m better of without him. Is a process and I still believe now that ALL IS WELL. I’m reganing my freedom and my power, there is road ahead, and I pray to my higher power to give me courage to stay strong.

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    Hi RMB
    I have just read your story and thought I would write although I am far from being an expert , I just have some experience!!
    My brother had a relationship with a loser. She was lovely to start with. She was keen to get married early on but my brother resisted. His friends disliked her. She had been through one of their wallets and thought she was after his money. Once she moved in with him she stopped helping, she didn’t work. My brother has his own business and shares the care of his son from a previous relationship. She wasn’t nice to the son. My brother was also cooking every night. He also found out she had started an affair. Anyway he asked her to leave eventually much to our relief. She then bombarded him with texts and calls and claimed she was pregnant. My brother had been with her to the clinic when she had had a contraceptive injection so he knew it wasn’t true. She told everyone that would listen that he had thrown her out and she was pregnant. Any way, she wasn’t pregnant, my brother stood his ground and she has moved on.
    Don’t blame yourself or feel bad. You don’t want to be in this relationship. Maybe you should get legal advice before you end it. But you will have to be very strong, because she may lie about you. Maybe you should keep a behaviour diary and retain some evidence. This has helped me with my case. Why should you keep paying for her to live there? You sound like your self esteem is very low. Perhaps Dr Carver may have some advice, but I certainly think you have already decided you want to get out, but from my own experience I think you should plan carefully. Good luck!!

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    Hi, Jen,

    Dr. Carver doesn’t get around to replying to each person, but everyone who posts here (and the hundreds that don’t!) get vital education and support just from reading all the posts. You sound as if you are feeling some of the same feelings that I felt, back when I first posted (#66).

    This forum made me feel better because I realized that my situation had nothing to do with (my own) lack of intelligence, lack of insight, or lack of sanity. It was still quite embarrassing to review and write the details of what had happened, because I thought I looked like a world-class sucker … but wait, it had happened to all these other people, too!

    You are not insane still to have feelings of love and longing for the man who has manipulated you. Love is not related to merit, and there are those who say it should never be! But occasionally a person who is capable of having and expressing normal loving feelings becomes involved with someone who cannot reciprocate as we would hope. Soon we find ourselves giving the “benefit of the doubt” over their hurtful behavior until it becomes an entrenched habit.

    So, it’s not insane that you let him stay out all night, etc., or that you still long for him. It merely shows a capability for normal affection, together with the lack of perspective that we develop when we devote ourselves to a difficult (understatement of the year) relationship. And that lack of perspective can become quite pronounced. At its worst it is Stockholm Syndrome, which is certainly not a psychosis, but is more of a warped perspective that we develop in order to survive (sometimes literally, as in a hostage situation, and sometimes in response to emotional needs that feel imperative).

    Once he has been out of your life for a while your perspective will normalize and you will feel better. You are already beginning to see that he was a manipulator. You may feel critical of yourself as you realize just how much you put up with over the years. But don’t be too hard on yourself – it happens to the best of people!

    If you continue to feel emotionally exhausted don’t hesitate to get professional advice. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. But give it a few weeks, and forgive yourself for ruminating. Make a point of breaking away and doing other things. Let us know how you do.

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    To RMB
    These comments are exactly my observations of my husband, only we’ve been together for 30+ years.

    “”When things are going her way, she is delightful company, kind and loving, but when something seemingly trivial goes wrong her mood changes horribly and I honestly get quite frightened (although she has never been violent with me). I therefore am constantly walking on eggshells and I am terrified of doing or saying a range of things in case I don’t get them quite right.

    To be honest I am really miserable and I long to be on my own (I love finding excuses to be alone but have to try not to make it too obvious) but I do not know how to escape. She gave up her own home to move in with me and I know she will see this as me kicking her out on the street. I have no desire to stay in this house with or without her. I pay for the house (she has not worked, except for a few days, since we started the relationship) and I am almost tempted to carry on paying for her to stay there alone just to get away without too bad a sting of her anger. Even talking about saying something like this to her brings me out in a cold sweat.””

    RMB, I don’t ever get anything QUITE RIGHT when I say anything.
    His need is for control, period.
    No violence here either.
    His latest episode involved putting all money from our joint account into a separate one, with his name on it.
    I’m in school full time. He may be punishing me or something. Anyway it’s ok for him to be with other women, but when we would go out together he seemed concerned that other men may be looking at me. He would say stupid things to embarass me and call attention to himself by commenting on other men in the restaurant or wherever we were.
    Besides the fact that he does have a documented diagnosis of mental illness, which I found out about in July, this stuff he is doing and saying is STILL WRONG. Can I live with this? NO. I’m having to take anidepressants to live with this person. That, is a no no, in that the usual coping methods have not been enough. This tells me I’m not in a safe place emotionally and must do something more to take care of myself.


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    Thankyou for all your comments, I feel better that someone else knows and understands how I feel. I have not been able to tell anyone else, even my mother, about my situation. Obviously she knows something is wrong but she doesn’t know why. Part of the problem with this is that my girlfriend’s behaviour is very different to that described in the original “loser” article: She does not treat other people badly, quite the reverse, she is consistently charming to everyone she meets and I don’t think anyone who knows her would believe me if I told them this story. I really resent this because it seems she uses all her “niceness” on other people, even complete strangers, and saves all the “nastiness” for me, who she’s supposed to love! I think she is overwhelmingly preoccupied with her self-image as a “good person” and uses me as a pressure release valve for all her pent up frustrations – fair enough, but is that fair to me?

    Mary: What you said certainly struck a chord. I have been to the doctor and have been taking anti-depressants but I KNOW I could happily throw those pills in the bin if I could just escape.

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    Hello RMB,

    Thanks so much for publishing your account. Consider this as a “support group” with peers very much like you!

    Understand that your situation closely mirrors mine and all of the participants on this web site. To help you understand yourself, try looking under “emotional”,
    “psychological” or “verbal” abuse on the internet. The key here is that loser = abuser. What I have learned about myself and like personalities, is that we are “magnets” for abusers or losers. You will see that your situation is far from unique and can be remedied. People like us need to be more assertive and learn to set boundaries.

    I am using my current situation to learn to stand up for myself and not be abused by my wife and her son; no, nothing physical but psychological. You should get a support group of close friends and family. If you can, find a psychologist to talk to; get the professional help and support that you need and deserve.

    The most positive aspect about my current situation is that at least I now have a much better understanding of myself! What I have learned from counseling and my own painful experiences is that I can and am willing to change myself for the better, unfortunately, it is very unlikely that “our” abusers and losers will do likewise.

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    Thanks for your reply. I don’t want to seem negative but I see so many obstacles to your suggestions. The only relative I am really close to is my mother and I have never been able to confide in her about things like this, especially now as I don’t see her very often. As I said, I used to have a few close friends but have not been in contact with them for a long time. I don’t feel I can get in touch with them out of the blue as I think they feel I have cut myself off from them by my own choice. As for a psychologist, Even if I could afford to see one, I don’t really have any kind of control over my money and I wouldn’t be able to do it without my girlfriend knowing and I can’t even think about what her reaction would be. As I say I feel trapped in a cage largely of my own making.

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    HI RMB, Another suggestion and this one is really affordable is one, keep writting, and you’ll find how little by little, you’ll get stronger. Here you can confide in us, as we have done, maybe the anonimity and feeling we are not alone, that is not our imagination and that the abuse is real, help us to heal. On the other hand if its possible for you, go to ALANON, I had great breakthroughs there, when I got there I wanted to “fix” my husband, but later I realized the only one I could work on was me. On the other hand I started to go to the therapis, truly arguing I wanted to heal my past issue with my inmediate family, and he was pleased with that.
    As I heal my relathionship my family, slowly the truth came and it helped me to get out. Also, you can call the national domestic violence hotline, they can provide you with more sources. There is help out there! Have faith!

  9. avatar image

    Hi RMB,

    Just read all the posts and all the advice given is great.

    All I wanted to say is that this forum is really supportive and as mentioned by others don’t feel alone. We are in this together.


  10. avatar image

    Morris I just think that what you said is spot on. I also looked up emotional abuse on the internet and was shocked to discover that my ex ticked almost all of the boxes. I have also gained support from the local refuge and they have offered me outreach support and therapy. I am very lucky that I was only with my ex for just over a year. I am sure I would have gradually lost touch with most of my friends and become distanced from my family.
    I also want to say to RMB to be careful if the computer is at home that you clear the history because she may be checking up on you. I also wanted to say that my ex was also usually very charming and warm in company, but I would dread what mood he would be in once we were on our own. Unfortunately when you do split up some people may find what you are saying hard to believe, but your close friends will understand. In fact my close friends were concerned because they saw the change in me and noticed contact with them diminishing. You have nothing to loose by trying to get back in touch. I know I would be supportive of any of my friends if this happened to them.

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