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218 Responses to “More on Relationship Losers, Abusers, Manipulators and Controllers”

  1. 31

    Dear Bill: We were wondering what the next strategy would be – there it is – the damsel in distress (with a side order of guilt). Skyla is totally correct. You may need to change your phone, email, etc. Again, NO CONTACT is your best approach no matter what her strategy. Keep in mind, when “damsel in distress” doesn’t work, you may receive strategy #7.

    While it’s mind boggling…it is predictable. As I suggest in my article, Losers and Abusers all operate in the same basic manner, be they male or female.

    Dr. Carver

  2. avatar image
    Bill Smith

    Thank you skyla and Dr carver for the feedback.
    I have my phone set up so that any of her calls are logged but phone doesn’t ring. The voice mail from her is actually helpful to me as I can learn from it so that others on here and in my practice can benefit. This ex-loser has severe disorders. She will eventually find her next victim on her internet search that she is doing. I think number 7 strategy might be starting….she eluded to her brother in laws father having terminal cancer. I have to be careful here in that blocking her calls or getting new number will produce a panic detachment reaction and subsequently she will want to punish me with whatever means.
    I am fading away. Eventually she will find a new victim….I am certain because she likes
    Money and things.yes greed. And she hates men.
    But will initially be whatever she thinks her next victim wants. Then switches to her real self..:mean uncaring unfeeling loser.
    I am doing well as I feel this is a way to learn about the losers and at the same time be detached and have no contact. Thank you again.

  3. 33

    Hi Bill: I think you’re right…#7 is in the foundation stage. When these guilt-oriented attempts fail, you may receive a hostile blast, calling you unfeeling, uncaring, etc. The Loser eventually becomes indignant and offended that you haven’t fallen for strategies 1 through 7. But here’s the shocker – that’s actually strategy #8 and the setup for #9. Strategy #9 is an apology for the indignant blast, a plea for forgiveness, and a return to the soft-guilt approach. As Skyla says, it’s mind boggling! Don’t respond and don’t try to make sense of it. Go on with your life and be thankful that you don’t live from drama-to-crisis anymore. Dr. Carver

  4. avatar image
    bill smith

    Hello everyone,
    Yesterday I received a card and spiritual book in the mail from my ex-loser. It is my belief that the card, which was one that you would give someone in a loving relationship, and the spiritual book…because she knows I am spiritual… was an attempt to go back to the sweet individual she pretended to be in the early stages of honeymoon where she actually was getting sexual satisfaction, gifts, and the usual activities involved in that stage… and was probably an infatuation. Now…she was pretending to be loving, caring, etc. although unable to express herself in any form of personal writing of her own thoughts….she used someone else’s words in a card in an attempt to get the slot machine to pay off. When she received no response….you were right Dr Carver…I got blasted on voice mail…(I am okay with it, and do not take any of it personally…I looked at it as a learning experience for all of us on here) So, she said
    everything that was wrong with me…including a time when I was frustrated and angry with her behavior. She tended to focus on that….and suggested that I needed to speak to a counselor on anger management…Imagine that! Then…she switched to “Lets be friends” “I really liked the sex with workguy” the guy she was with for three weeks and then wanted to return to a relationship with me. Now its lets be friends….go for counseling, send me cards, and manufacture things that she believes will hurt me. She has no clue. All she knows is that I am not paying off. Given the recent behavior….Is it possible to predict the next move? It seems that you were right…but with a barrage of mixed methods of manipulation…could this suggest that she is so confused and frustrated that nothing is working that she is pulling out all stops? What do you think will be the next strategy? Not only has this helped me personally but has helped me in my professional practice. Thank you again for your feedback.

  5. 35

    Dear Bill: I knew the Personal Blast was coming your way. Losers become frustrated if they can’t get a response.

    From this point, she will continue to “fish” – tossing out bait – using a variety of strategies to see if you’ll bite on any of them. The nature of her attempts are only limited by her creativity. You might be contacted because: 1) She experienced something that reminded her of you (song, poem, book movie, landmark, etc. 2) She heard something about you (she made this up) that she thought you should know. She’s hoping your natural curosity will be your downfall here. 3) She found a old item of yours at her house or she found something she thinks may be yours. 4) She has an inoperable brain tumor and just thought you should know.

    These attempts to contact the victim will disappear when a new victim is found. However, Losers and Abusers continue to contact their victims sometimes after many years. They hope to catch you in a weak moment, then upgrade you to back burner again or “optional victim” status.

    Continue with NO Contact and No Response. Just be educated by the variety of manipulations that will come your way. Dr. Carver

  6. avatar image
    bill smith

    Thank you for your comments on possible strategies that losers will use. No contact and no response apparently is working. I am not going to even imagine how things would be if someone had made contact after a period of “no contact”. From what I have read on this site…their behavior can get progressively more severe and more destructive. I guess that the “good” that can come from listening to her voice mail…would be to serve to educate everyone who participates in this discussion. From a professional standpoint, I am intrigued by her manipulation strategies. From a personal perspective…I look at it for what its worth…all meaningless…it is just psychiatric illness behavior. I will continue to keep everyone educated on her strategies…it is for the greatest good for all. Thanks Again.

  7. avatar image
    Bonnie Connor

    Dear Dr. Carver,
    I don’t think I’m as far along in the process as most of the people here..I need to REALLY detach and deal with my feelings, as in face them and stay away. I’d been planning for detaching when he goes away on the tenth. But it’s like he’s picking up something in my manner, or reading my mind, I dunno. Monday, he drove me to tears grilling me about my day and what I’d been doing and with whom (I’m an independant contractor) He said, “for all I know, you’re sitting on a patio all day with other men, your SO nebulous and secretive” So I refused to see him Monday night, and Tuesday..Wednesday morning, he left me a super-mushy “My life is better because you’re in it, I love you, I’m sorry, please come over tonight and I’ll make you a nice dinner and we’ll talk” I shouldn’t have gone but I couldn’t face another blow up, so I went. He was strange when I got there, not happy like on the phone, at all. It came to a head when we were talking about weekend plans and I said that I was going on a power walk with my girlfriend and out for lunch with her on the Holiday Monday. He said, “well I’ll come” and I said, “No” It my time to see a friend, “I’ll meet you later” Anyway, he accused me of meeting a man, started screaming at me and told me to “get the F out of my house, I never want to see you again!!” He was screaming all these accusations at me about “seeing other men” and how he can’t trust me.
    I left and I haven’t heard from him. I feel shocked and upset and I didn’t see it coming..I feel terrible about myself like I’ve done “something” to bring this on. That leaves me feeling very vulnerable..
    Any suggestions about what I can do to stop this craziness and get my self-esteem back. I know that no matter what, I musn’t contact him and he left me with the solid impression that he’ll be gone now but I’m afraid of more wrath.
    Any feed-back would be appreciated.

  8. 38

    Dear Bonnie,

    OOOOO my goodness (xpltv)

    I’m not a professional, but here goes.
    Unless you enjoy being verbally battered, consider yourself lucky to have gotten out of his house. Hopefully it was unpleasant enough that you don’t require more time with that.

    You deserve much better, and there are men out there who don’t enjoy picking on women, trust me.

    I knew myself, that to find a ‘prince’ of a man, I would have to behave as a ‘princess’ of a woman. At 18, I was looking for security, my parents couldn’t afford to provide that, so I cast off the princess garb, donned my hunting attire, grabbed bow and arrow, and took off on THE HUNT.

    Hee hee.

    My darling husband, who I bagged, is a paranoid schizophrenic, diagnosed 6 yrs ago. We’ve been married 30+ years. How the h___ did that happen?

    Anyway, he is less obvious, more secretive and quiet about his rage, so it takes me a long time to figure out that he doesn’t like me, truly does not like me. It takes a lot of code breasking to decipher the remarks and questions from him.

    He has, at his most stressful moments, taken to outright accusing me of the very thing he has done.

    That’s how I know what’s going on with him, when he breaks out of his dungeon long enough to venture a shot or two at me.

    Fugetabout it. Your ex’s manipulations seem typical for someone guilty of the seme thing that he wants to think you did.

    Be good to Connie day starts now, and it won’t be ending any time soon, right?

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    Bonnie Connor

    Thanks Mary, for your comments. It sounds like you have your hands full with your husband. I don’t know how you do it. It’s interesting that you say that the very things that he accuses me of may be exactly what he is doing or has done..How strange is that! But you may be right. yuck!!
    Anyway, best of wishes to you.
    I’m going to visit this board more frequently because it is a good reminder that i am not alone in this craziness.

  10. 40

    On July 27th I wrote,

    “I’m allowing distance which has existed between us, come to the forefront now. It’s simple,I just stop filling in all the empty spaces with needless talk to soothe our collective insecurities.

    The manipulation will start up again,I presume, because the usual isn’t working now. ”

    That distance became very uncomfy for my husband and the odd comments and questions continued to escalate through yesterday morning when I dropped him off at work.

    I managed to maintain my composure throughout, without much comment myself. So after he came home he went passed me to take a nap. I had prepared a light meal in case he wanted to eat right after work. See, I can be kind because within myself there are no ruffles. My leaving would also be more poignant.

    Anyway, after he awoke he approached me and asked me how I was doing. Hmm, I wondered if that was a sincere question. It turned out he wanted to talk. I told him the day before that because he would be busy on Wed I wanted to talk w/him on Thurs.(today)

    So he said he appreciated me sticking with him all this time. He said, if I “can just hang in there”, he thought”we could make it, and get through this.” He said “our age difference might be……..”
    He said Ann Landers had a column about a lady who wrote in telling about how her and her husband were 8yrs apart ………”

    I told him, I thought he had an affair, that his question of what I would do “if someone sent a letter stating he had an affair” was put to me because, either he wants out, or someone else wants to destroy our marriage, or he has paternity issues.

    “You would know if I had an affair…” I said “no, not always, but I do think you had one and that is why you have been projecting guilt and being so defensive toward me for 2 years”

    He lost focus, he kissed me and thinks that is all it takes, intimacy, a nice talk, and we’re all set.

    So where am I? No longer in repair mode. Faith in God; knowing He is personally, and intimately concerned about me and knowing my friends are there for me, certainly is playing a huge part in my current frame of mind and my plans. This forum not only aids with the venting but there are so many helpful comments and the only forum I’ve found in which a professional moderates. So thanks everyone.

    I’m in preserve mode. The good Lord showed up in Nov and quietly began circling wagons without me knowing what was going on. He sat down, took the blinders off, gave me a hug and He is still here.

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